It’s a beautiful Saturday and I’m thankful for the weekend! It has been a busy few weeks albeit extremely productive and fruitful. For that, I am humbled and grateful. Busy keeps me going and focused, but the weekend demands REST!
Trying to keep it low key (in pursuit of rest of course), I kept with my morning ritual of quiet time and coffee. And then I decided to take some time to reflect over the things I need “to do”. An oxymoron, ya think? Pursuit of rest yet let’s knock out the infamous To-Do list. The “rest struggle” is real y’all! Then enters guilt to make me feel bad about resting because it’s gorgeous outside. Yup! This is the battle in this Dizzy Chick’s head. Which is sooo helpful as this makes day four of waking with a terrible headache on the verge of a migraine. Frustrated does not even begin to describe my mental state and pain at this point. Yes I said mental, don’t judge or try to pretend you’ve never had one of these moments! #iknowimnotalone
To divert from this drama in my head, panic over all I that I needed to get done, and headache, I decided to get on Facebook (because that’s productive and will make you feel better… #whatev). Immediately, I see photos that my sister has shared of my two sweet nieces and nephew. Their innocence and smiles melt my heart of course and I feel myself missing them all terribly. They are in Iowa, I’m in South Carolina. So how to cure this missing them and get my Lauren, Callie, Clay and Caleb fix?? FaceTime them!! Saturday blues are cured (momentarily at least). And then we hang up and BOOM, just like that it hit me. They are growing waaaay too fast!!! Now I’m seeing a trend here… TIME. Time to be busy, time to rest, time to enjoy, and ultimately, how fast time flies! The point of all this?!?! Be patient (ha!), I’m getting there…
We all know life is short and time will pass us by. We never know what tomorrow will bring. And some days it feels as if time is standing still. But it’s definitely not doing that! And of course, you are not supposed to live in your past, you are not supposed to worry about tomorrow, you are supposed to live in the present (ha!). Well I’m here to tell you… I am human AND that ain’t easy! It may be for the Yogi’s of the world but this homegirl is no Yogi (I’m actually envious of Yogi’s so no judgement Yogi Yoga friends). I cannot quiet my mind, meditation in quiet does not exist. Roaring tinnitus and a busy brain will not allow me to sit quietly and feel present. And somedays the mind is not always strong. This past week has shown me just that…. But I can’t do anything but accept the place I’m in.
You see, on the outside it may look like this girl has it all together (somedays not everyday). But on the inside, people have no idea at all. And although I shouldn’t be concerned with what others think, I sometimes can’t help but to care. That’s just my heart and how God created me. To care entirely too much sometimes. The lesson through my pain is that people see things going on in the lives of others, but they may not feel comfortable asking or desire to take the time to understand. It can be easy for many to draw conclusions or judge but not to love, serve and support. We are all guilty, no one gets a pass on this one.
Over the years, people have said to me that I tend to “acquire haters”. I don’t know if that is a compliment or bad a thing?! And then of course the party in my head begins to wonder why people are judging me, would say things about me to others, what did I do to deserve that, why would they hate me? Is it genuine dislike? Are they just curious, nosey or maybe, truly care? How do I discern what is of God vs. what is not?
And then I ask myself, what is so interesting about my life or Me?! I’m actually not that interesting at least I don’t think. But for those who want to see the inside of this brain (yes, I have one, it was confirmed in an MRI this week), I’ll be happy to share my “weakness” and how I feel many days. So here goes, enjoy:
I am not where I thought I would be at almost 37 years old….. I’m in pain most days, living with consistent headaches, tinnitus, dizziness, loss of hearing, an incurable disease with little to no relief or answers. I’m not a mother or a wife, which I desire to be. I don’t live on 100 acres in a big ole, new house, which would be my dream. I have to work even harder now at everything I do, more than I ever have before. And anyone that truly knows me, knows my work ethic (and it’s not lazy!). Most days I do not feel that I’m making any headway in my life. And as blessed as I know that I truly am, some days I admittedly feel broken and weak. As a matter of fact, I’ve been told that I am weak. And this, my fellow dizzy and non-dizzy peeps makes me ANGRY!!!
Believe it or not, I’m just a simple (yet complicated) child of God going through battles just like anyone else. I may clean up well, be outgoing (or loud rather), I may have a tendency to wave my freak flag at times and be silly, or break out in song or dance at any moment. I may work hard and speak up for what was is right and/or for others and appear strong….but that doesn’t mean that inside it’s always okay. Simply put, my heart is overwhelmed.
Let me be clear by saying that I am not feeling sorry for myself nor am I asking you to feel sorry for me. Quite opposite in fact. I’m merely confessing for those who want to know, are curious to know, are nosey to know or for those who are feeling completley real or lost, fighting a battle and imperfect like me. So much that you get angry and question everything. You see, there was a time I felt so close to The Lord, as if I had a direct line into the Big Man himself. Nothing or no one could touch me. But over the past few years, so much has happened…somedays I feel positive, but others, I feel just plain ANGRY! Call me crazy, call me weak, call me whatever…. but not every day in this life, with a disease, or with whatever battle we are facing is a cakewalk. I can ride the positivity train most days, spinning on the inside yet appearing okay on the outside. Telling myself don’t worry about tomorrow, what other people think, what they will do or won’t do. But it’s not easy… as many know but would not willingly admit.
That said, I’m extremely thankful for my church, our pastor, my family and my small group of quality friends that know me, my personality, how I process things and still love me despite my flaws! ALL remind me that it’s okay to not be okay some days. That’s it’s necessary to rest and not to feel guilty for doing so. That it doesn’t mean you are lazy. And that it’s okay to ask questions, and ask God “why?”. He fully expects that we will ask why and in doing so, he does not “penalize” us. It is actually in our weakest moments that he will meet us there with his love, mercy and grace. Gifts that I do not deserve but because he loves me, I receive. Our value comes from what God says about us, not because of what other people say or think.
I opened my Bible today to Psalm 61 and right there verse 2 met me with a loving reminder: “When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher that I”. Wow! What it would be like to have the patience and strength of David!!! Knowing that he wrote this prayer after narrowly escaping one of Saul’s efforts to kill him while hiding in the desert. Psalm 61 is a prayer for security and assurance. Wherever we are, we can trust that God will be there to answer our cries for help.
So I’ll leave you all with this…. Jesus is my rock, and some days this is just how I roll. Weak, angry, feeling hopeless. And I’m not ashamed to admit it.
I may not be where I thought I would be, I may not be where I want to be, but today I’m praying for bold faith to stay on course and follow wherever HE is leading me. And that is my prayer for you…. Having issues isn’t the absence of victory in our lives. It’s a call to action, reminding us that victory is right around the corner. And that God’s grace will carry you, one step at a time. Our greatest ministry will come out of our deepest pain.
Time to wipe off the anger and hurt, and put my happy, thankful pants on! Joy comes in the morning and the day anew!
Spin Ya’ Later Y’all,